1/18/05

One strong criticism of religion, and particularly Christianity, is that it is a crutch. It's something to lean on when we are too weak to carry on because of whatever - not understanding life, being depressed, being scared, any number of things.

I fully admit that I need a crutch, and that God is way more than that for me. I am totally weak and crippled in my capacity to handle life. Tonight is one of those times where I just feel so disturbed and unsettled in my soul. The reason? It's because I'm growing up. Because over the last week ago I've been having to think a lot more about tough decisions - large financial decisions, career, where to live. And I can't handle it. I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who can, but I'm not one of them. I'm pretty weak in that way. So I think about the future, and then I just feel like life is so hard, that it will never be carefree and light, that there's always some kind of menace or potential menace lurking in the background. And I get really scared, right down to the pit of my stomach. So the only thing I can think of to do with this gut-wrenching feeling is to depend on God. To tell myself that I am in God's hands. That He will always provide. That He cares about me.

Maybe there are those who read this that feel sorry for me. That recognize how unsophisticated my view of God is, almost childish. I don't know, sometimes that's how I see myself. But there's also a big part of me that just knows this is how I am, for better or for worse.

I don't know, it doesn't really make sense to me why I'm blogging this, but then again, I don't even know why I keep a blog. But it's kind of therapeutic to just kind of send this out to the cosmic void, and admit that I am weak, that God is not just a crutch for me, but a life support system.