3/10/05

We moved! Actually we moved about two weeks ago, but this is the first time I feel like I actually have a moment to blog. I don't know, doing an entry always takes a lot of time and energy for me, so I don't think I'll ever be able to keep it up regularly. But whatever, I guess my blog is, and will be, whatever it is. Jieun says how everyone has their own blogging personality. I guess it just sort of happens, I don't know.

Anyway, I guess I can talk about my new place. I really like it. I was going to say "love" but I don't want to use that word so lightly. Just me. Anyway, I just feel like we have room to stretch out our legs, and I feel like I have privacy to do music stuff. I have also been in the process of building a home studio (a very low level one) for the past month and a half. I built a new computer, bought an audio interface, and bought some software. I don't want to say how much I spent, it was kind of a lot. Anyway, Miriam asked me the other day, "So what are you going to do with all that stuff?" Well, I better do something with it! If you know me at all, you'll know that I am very lazy, and I never really reach my potential in anything. I am not disciplined enough to get by dabbling in things. Anyway, I didn't buy all this stuff to motivate myself, but I have a small fear that I won't use all this stuff, and then it will be just like another buried dream. Anyway, pray for me, that I won't be so lazy.

I was listening to a worship album, and the leader was quoting that Scripture passage that says "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." Anyway, the reason I was thinking about that is because of an entry Danny wrote about it being hard for him to take compliments from people. In the comments section, there was some interesting discussion, but it made me think about our notion of self-esteem. Danny mentions how not being able to be gracious to himself plays a part in not being able to take compliments. I think that's definitely true. But anyway, I was thinking about how it's become so important in our culture to come to grips with ourselves, to not be falsely humble, to be able to admit that if we did a good job, then yeah, we did a good job. I don't know, I'm pretty sure that's not exactly what Danny was talking about when he says "gracious to myself" so I don't want people to think I'm referring to him or anyone else. But I was just thinking, let's say, if I was playing piano for worship, or even leading worship for that matter, and I felt like I did a good job. I mean, does it really matter? Should how I feel about that really contribute to how I view myself as a child of God? And what does being humble mean? Does it mean recognizing that even if I did do a relatively "good" job at something, that there is One who so much more imaginably great that everything else completely pales in comparison. And that this fact matters little except to focus on how great God is? I don't know, I guess that contributed a little to what I was mentioning about not wanting to use the word "love" when describing how I felt about my place. It just seems like we're pretty limited in the words we can use to describe God. Not that those words can even do it. But if I say "God is Great!" and "That TV show was great!" I don't know, again this is just me, but I think it actually affects and lessens what I mean about God. Not that just using the same word does that, but it actually affects the way I think about God. I don't know if this making any sense. I guess what I'm trying to say is that when I say "God is great!" and "That TV show is great!" I think I actually mean "great" in the same way, and that bothers me.

Anyway, back to the verse. "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." James 4:6. What does it mean to be proud? I feel like our culture gives us such a weird, warped view of being proud of ourselves. I don't know. I mean, let's go back to my previous example. I feel like I played well during a music set. I don't know, for me, if I start going down that road, I'm sorry, it leads to pride, and not in a good way. Maybe it's just me, and I don't know how to control it, but people can talk about false humility and all that - maybe it's just a protection against one's self.

Again, I go for light, and it turns into raw. Sorry for your pain and suffering. GOOD NIGHT NOW!