Things to pass on

One trait that I've been realizing that I have more and more is an obsession with efficiency. I hate wasted energy, wasted time, anything that makes me feel like things aren't running efficiently. So, for instance, on my commute, I always sit in the same car in the train (closest to the front going to SF, and in the car that stops nearest the stairwell when I come back). Same thing on BART - my goal is to be nearest to the escalator or stairs as possible, and often be one of the first people out so that my path of walking won't be impeded, since I walk at a quicker pace than most others that are commuting. When I go to the bathroom at work, I try to make sure I take my water cup with me and leave it either in the kitchen or just outside our bathroom so that I can take care of two things at once. I often plan to pick up my printouts on this trip as both the kitchen and printer are on the way to the bathroom. Funny thing is, when I do this efficiently, it makes me feel really good, but when I don't I feel equally frustrated. I think I'm a little obsessive-compulsive about it. If you're curious, I have other reasons to think this about myself, you can ask me later. Also, while you might think this is because I'm lazy (which I am), I don't think this is true - it's something about the efficiency thing that really riles me up.

Anyway, I was thinking about parenting, if and when I have kids. How much of ourselves do we want to pass on to our kids? Like, in some ways, I think it's good that my mind is focused on doing things efficiently. Ted talks about how when he sets up, he kind of forgets what he's doing, and does things out of order, picks up a cable to do one thing and then forgets what it is. I'm totally opposite, and if I may say so, I think I generally set up pretty well. Anyway, I think that it might be good to pass that on to my kids. But like I said, I'm pretty obsessive about it, to the point where I won't even want to do things if I can't do it efficiently, or precisely the correct way. This may sound weird, but this is part of the reason I missed a lot of class in college. If I was going to be 5 minutes late to class, I would feel like it would be better to miss it all. It makes no sense, I know. Anyway, I definitely wouldn't want to pass that aspect of it on to my kids. It's funny, because personality traits are such double-edged swords, aren't they? Like, do I want my kids to be competitive? I have no idea! The first time I played Chutes and Ladders with Nari, she threw a fit because me and Jungho won (it's totally random in that game, right?). She was upset, she really wanted to win. I was thinking, if that were my daughter, I would tell her, "Well, in life, sometimes you lose. You have to learn to deal with it." Joonho, in his brilliance and showing why he's the nicest out of us brothers, instead told her something to the effect of "Other people get to win too, everyone gets a chance to win." I think it breaks down to two very different approaches towards a competitive spirit. Some people love to win. Some people hate to lose. Sometimes there can be both because of how they're linked to each other, but I think one of the attitudes is more dominant. And in my obsession with sports, it seems to me that the most successful athletes are driven by the latter rather than the former. Winning brings them joy, but nothing compared to how much pain losing brings them. Fear of failure is an incredible motivator. Do I want to pass this on to my kids? It's a struggle I have - would it be worth it to be great at something with the cost that comes with it, rather than living a balanced, but rather mediocre life. Maybe it doesn't have to be mutually exclusive, but I'm not sure.

Anyway, I think it's an interesting question, because it makes us look at ourselves pretty deeply. Our kids will obviously pick up a lot from us, as well as be their own persons. But what things would I want them to pick up from me? What do I have pride in myself about, what do I loathe? If I find that I think more about what I wouldn't want them to pick up from me, the things I regret, what does that say about how I view myself?